Beckett's New Life Part 1
by sab6749
Summary: AU Story after breakup in Season 8 Episode 2. I do not own Castle; I just play with the characters. Story will deal with one possible scenario of ramifications for Beckett's renegade investigation that canon disregarded.
1. Chapter 1

It had been about six weeks since Beckett had left the loft to finally end the saga of her mother's death by finding and destroying LOKSAT. In hindsight she had not considered all the ramifications or the emotional toll it would take on her.

At first she had concentrated on the basics and was lucky to find a furnished sublet near the precinct with a doorman that gave her some sense of privacy and security. Her initial roller board of clothes and toiletries was abruptly put together and she knew another trip to the loft would be necessary because her new quest had no time limit attached.

With Beckett's promotion, Ryan and Espo became co-leaders with a new team member named Sarah Wiggins. At first she was very excited to be training with one of the best homicide teams in the city, but soon learned that there was a lot of boring, repetitive chores like endless canvassing, hours of film to scan, and countless records to check that were the essence of good police work.

Meanwhile, Beckett was finding her new job not all that difficult. Gates had done a good job creating an exemplary team of supervisors, and her main task was dealing with the continuing avalanche of paperwork from 1PP and the ever watchful public and press.

Her other main focus was finding a way through the NYPD bureaucracy to hire Vikram in the IT Department at the 12th. Because of his unique knowledge about the case and his excellent IT skills, she knew he really was the ideal person to help her pursue her side investigation. The problem was he could not be nearly as useful without access to law enforcement databases, and this job was the perfect cover to do just that.

Although Vikram had great credentials from his prior work with the A/G's office, it was hard to ignore all the internal candidates trying to move up into the slot once filled by Torrie. The critical need was to make sure that none of the required NYPD background checks got into too great detail about his past team who had all been mysteriously killed. In an effort to stifle that line of inquiry, she called some of her counterparts at the A/G office and explained that Vikram was really just looking for a much needed change after the shock of the tragedy that befell his team. She played that card beautifully, and soon realized they too were very reluctant to provide any background about the loss of an entire team in what was still an unsolved case.

In the end, the precinct was forced by central HR to interview 2 internal candidates and Vikram. That was an acceptable scenario because she was able to carefully coach him about the right answers and who might need special attention in the interview process. The interviews went great, and surprisingly, the only holdout was Ryan. He correctly surmised that there was an unseen ulterior motive in play, but couldn't find anything to justify his reluctance. Going a bit off topic, Assistant Chief Gates casually brought up her proposed hiring during one of her regular liaison meetings with Beckett. Gates listened intently to the same yarn she had carefully crafted for the A/G office and apparently decided, then and there, to ratify her decision.

This all worked out well for Vikram. He had quit his A/G job within 2 weeks of making that fateful call to Becket. In subsequent discussions, she found a soul mate in the need for a secret investigation to uncover what really happened to the rest of the team and how that led back to the murder of Johanna Beckett.

After a brief discussion of the logistics, he put most of his belongings in a storage locker in DC and took 2 large duffel bags with him to New York. He arrived into the Port Authority Bus Terminal in the early evening and immediately made a beeline for a diner where Becket would be waiting. He thought he arrived early only to find Becket entering just minutes behind him. She explained her tardiness by admitting she had followed him from his first steps in New York. They needed to be very careful going forward, and this seemed like a prudent first step.

After ordering, they engaged in a very blunt discussion about their shared commitment to the task at hand. Vikram was in because of the abrupt loss of his friends, while she wanted to understand how her simple query about her mother's murder fit into the larger picture. Could it be that Bracken may not be who she thought he was after all? With that settled, she brought him back to sublet and let him crash on the foldout couch.

The next morning she was dressed and starting her Castle inspired coffee routine when Vikram finally awoke. The beans were from Castle's favorite shop, and the delicious smell permeated the whole living/kitchen area. Over stale muffins, they set up the immediate logistics of their partnership. While she was at work, he would start visiting a host of internet cafes and begin any and all queries he could think of to narrow their focus. When she came home, they would go through the results and strategize about his future tasks. Every query needed tedious preparation to insure that none could lead back to them. Immediate communication would only occur over burner phones that she would have one of the precinct's snitches buy at a shady place far from Manhattan. If things worked as planned, the buyer's memory would get very hazy after the next high was injected from the bribe she paid him.

At this stage being unemployed was really a good thing because any work schedule would have drastically affected his initial efforts. The problem with this arrangement was really twofold. First, he needed access to government servers that were almost impenetrable from the outside. The second was their lifestyles did not mix well. He was a natural male slob, and she was increasingly annoyed that all men were not like Castle when it came to home-and-hearth.

When the job opening was finally posted, both were relieved about the prospect of them living apart. Once he was employed, they celebrated at a small diner in the neighborhood, and he began what she hoped would be a short search for a place of his own. Luckily, that fell into place relatively soon, and now all the pieces of their off-the-books investigation were finally in place.


	2. Chapter 2

Ever since her abrupt departure, Castle kept trying to insert his new PI business into any ongoing case at the 12th regardless of the justification. As the weeks wore on, those excuses were getting so farfetched that no one believed whatever rational he was selling that day. Initially, Ryan, Espo, and Lanie played along, but they soon tired of his snooping into cases that had no connection to him or his agency.

They all saw the raw effects of their separation first hand, and no amount of casual banter brought back the chummy team feel they used to take for granted. Frank and direct questions put to Castle were ignored, and Beckett's response always started and ended with 'It's complicated'.

Those responses were never going to satisfy the three amigos, and finally one Friday evening, they confronted a solo Castle nursing some good scotch at the end of the bar at the Old Haunt. They hoped a combined effort would yield better results, but what they really learned was that Castle was pretty much out of the loop as well. Something had happened in that phone call Kate had gotten on her first day, and that had triggered everything going off the rails. He was very sure it somehow connected to her mother's murder, but he was totally in the dark about exactly what it was. He had pleaded with her to work on whatever it was together, but she ignored every logical and emotional argument he could muster.

After that initial confrontation at the loft on that first day, she had pretty much ceased all meaningful communication except routine morning greetings if he happened to be there when she arrived or left for a meeting. Much to his surprise, she even started competently using the fancy coffee machine in the breakroom that everyone thought was way beyond her expertise. In the ensuing weeks, he had no idea what she was doing, where she was doing it, or who might be helping her. It was a real mess, and he was preparing himself for the inevitable Page 6 expose about the state of his separation.

Needless to say, the following days at the precinct started to become very awkward. Ryan and Espo alerted most of the precinct staff informally, and most found it best to keep all communication with the captain short and on-point. In the bullpen, things got very quiet, and there was little of the usual light banter that kept the teams relatively loose during stressful investigations.

After another week of no communication, Castle told Esposito that he and his family would be in the Hamptons for the weekend mulling over how this separation was going to be handled over what now looked like the long term. He suggested that he relay the message to Kate that it would be a good time for her to remove any clothes and personal belongings she might want for whatever she was doing.

Kate took the news with a resigned shrug, and the next day called Eduardo to arrange for help when she arrived the following Saturday morning. After coffee and another stale pastry that morning, she arrived at the lobby for a short status report with Eduardo before going up. He had arranged for a small truck and a couple of trusted colleagues to help her move any of her larger items to a storage space she had rented in Brooklyn. She brought the same roller boards she had left with and two rather large boxes for her shoes and coats. The whole decampment took about 3 hours, and as she was leaving, she wondered into every room for a moment to snap a few pictures with her phone. These would be cherished reminders of what she lost and what she hoped to regain if all went as planned.

Out in the Hamptons, Alexis and Martha couldn't believe their ears as they processed all he had to say. This made no sense to either of them, and none could have imagined Kate ever leaving her one-and-done. The only glimmer of hope they had was the fact that the cause of the breakup was still a huge unknown that they hoped could be coaxed out of her somehow. Castle did not share their optimism and was planning a meeting with Black Pawn the following week to discuss how to handle this mess when the press inevitably got wind of the odd state of their marriage. It was a glum weekend all around, and the ride back on Sunday was remarkable for the somber mood each passenger felt.


	3. Chapter 3

After their Old Haunt session with Castle, none of them would accept that Beckett couldn't be approached about fixing this, and each vowed to try when the timing was right. The first up was Lanie who finally convinced Kate to have a girls night at her apartment with an entire bottle of the wine that Castle knew she loved.

After the usual musings about precinct gossip, 1PP power plays, and a newly hired ME that was single and quite cute, she fearlessly attacked the elephant in the room. She knew it would not be easy, and if it did not go well, this might be end of what she thought would be a forever friendship. The opening salvo was simple and direct. 'What is going on with you and Castle?' After a slight pause, Lanie could see Kate's whole body tense up and her face went pale with obvious dread.

After another long pause to collect herself, she finally responded, 'Lanie, you just don't have the whole picture. People died because of something I did, and the perpetrator is way more sinister than Bracken or any of his henchmen. If Castle, his family, or any of you get caught up in this, I would never forgive myself. I must do this alone and let the chips fall where they may.'

Lanie was dumbstruck by her weird explanation and observed, 'Look Castle is running on fumes in your relationship, and if he crashes, I doubt he will ever fly again even for you. Is that what you want - to be forever without your one-and-done? Kate, talk to the man; he won't bite. Sure he is hurt and confused, but that will fade quickly if you let him in. What is the alternative - your job and the occasional booty call? Take it from someone who has contemplated that future for far too long, it is not anyone's first choice.'

Beckett polished off the dregs of her second glass of wine, and went to the closet for her coat and purse. As she opened the door to the outside, she glanced back at Lanie and said, 'Well, I guess that is my destiny, and you need not concern yourself with it ever again.' As the door shut, Lanie sensed that this would be the last girls night she would ever have with Captain Katherine Beckett.

Kevin made the second approach later that week when they were discussing the progress on an ongoing case, and his family made an unexpected appearance in the bullpen. Both their gazes locked on the adoration going on right in front of them, and Kevin said, 'I hoped one day I would get to see you and your baby just like that. Is whatever you're doing, really worth giving up that happiness?'

Beckett diverted her gaze to the paperwork in front of her, and responded, 'Sometimes life doesn't offer you all the good parts you expect. You just make due and go on the best you can. Someday I hope all of you will appreciate my reasoning.' The coldness of the remark surprised Kevin, and he too now understood that their captain didn't really want anyone questioning her judgements.

The next person up was not really part of the group, but her dad had definitely noticed that trips to the loft ended, Rick was nowhere to be seen, and the visits seemed scripted like in a spy thriller. Under the new routine, they never met at the same place twice and dates were always last minute. He was not happy about this change of circumstance, and at first tried to ignore all the obvious warning signs hoping it was just some silly spat that would right itself in the end.

That was not to be, and he finally broached the subject on a Wednesday during a hastily scheduled dinner date at a Brooklyn diner he never heard of. 'Can you kind of explain what going on with you and Rick? He seems totally out of your life of late, and that seems rather odd for a supposedly happily married couple? Most people only have one love of their life, and you seem to be building up new walls for the only man that fits that bill to a tee.'

Beckett stirred her coffee profusely flummoxed by the directness of his inquiry. Finally she responded by saying, 'Something has come up that I must fix that is too dangerous for any of you to be involved. These guys are killers, and they won't hesitate to hurt or even kill any of you if they think you are part of my investigation. I cannot live with that possibility, and for now, this must be a strictly solo operation even if I lose all that I once held dear. Every day I fight with myself about what I have decided, and believe me, I would love to come to a different conclusion. But, what little evidence I do have suggests that would be a foolish thing to do.'

'You sound like your mother off on another crusade. How long do you expect him to live like this? A marriage isn't something you are part of only when it is convenient? Is whatever you are pursuing worth giving up on your one-and-done? I can tell you from experience that living sole once you have had that joy plan is at best a melancholy fate.

Realizing there was no good way to end that conversation; she opted for the easy solution waving a hasty goodbye on her way out the door. Well on her way for her nightly download with Vikram, she slowed her pace and had another silent fight with herself about all she was losing. No one understood the stakes except Vikram, and try as she might, she just couldn't change course. This had to be the final piece, and she knew she would find no peace even in Castle's warm embrace if this dark cloud was not dealt with.

The next day Javier got his opportunity. It was lunchtime, and both arrived at the usual vending machines at the same time. Neither like the selection especially after Castle had totally upended their culinary expectations. Showing equal disgust at their rather undesirable choices, they agreed to head to the local food trucks and see what tempted their palates. It was a sunny day, and the nearby Korean and Thai trucks offered some tempting options. They both chose Korean and sat at a nearby park bench for an impromptu lunch.

Once seated, Javier downed half his soda and most of his meal conjuring how best to bring up the subject at hand. He went with the food theme by remarking how Castle would have blathered on about the relative merits of each of their choices. To be truthful, he kind of missed Castle's antics, his unusual case insights, and of courses his season tickets. With that in the back of his mind, he wondered aloud how she was getting along solo after all this time together. Becket shrugged her shoulders and mumbled something that didn't make it over the din of the city. Stymied by her unwillingness to engage, he pressed on and said, 'you sure you know what you are doing? He seemed like the perfect match, and they don't come around all that often.'

She immediately responded, 'he is the perfect match, and there is no one else. It's just that my life is just too dangerous for a normal relationship. I can't let him or any of his family hurt because of me. He deserves so much more, and I will probably never be able to give him that. Casual interludes are best for people like us, Javier. No strings – one foot out the door - just fun while it lasts. When it is over, you just move on and hope for another great ride down the road. That may seem callous, but it is best for people like us.' That last remark hit home with him, and he knew from personal experience that any further discussion was pointless. Their work defined them, and relationships only worked if their boundaries were respected by the other party.


	4. Chapter 4

While that part of her life was not going well, it was not much different on the investigation front. LOKSAT was good, and most of their inquiries or hypotheses quickly faded into dead ends. Even with Vikram's level of technical prowess and access to some very helpful government databases, the results from the cyber world were meager and on most days non-existent. Their nightly calls or meetings were getting testy as both settled into a steady routine of disappointment and frustration.

The one concrete and nagging thing they had found out was that the FBI and AG office has set up a joint taskforce to root out whoever had killed most of the members of her former team. It was headed by a guy, David Knox, who was based out of a suburban Maryland field office. She was pleasantly surprised that neither she nor Vikram had been contacted so far. Perhaps they felt that a relatively green trainee and IT liaison wouldn't have much to add and might curtail their progress with irrelevant leads.

The next shoe to drop came in the form of a manila envelope package delivered by courier to her precinct office from Castle's personal lawyer. That night she opened the package, and as she expected, it contained the beginning salvo in their divorce proceedings. She had assumed he would cite 'irreconcilable differences' and was surprised when he went with the simple and obvious 'abandonment'. That was certainly true, and as she read through the letter, she noticed the whole tenor seemed more resigned than demanding.

The proposed plan was quite simple. The two parties would never meet, and all communication would come through their respective lawyers. They would like the outlines of the separation including a cash settlement agreed within 60 days with half paid immediately upon agreement in principal and the other part deposited when the proceedings became final. She never thought of herself as a gold digger, but a wad of cash might offer some bribing opportunities that could perhaps reinvigorate their languishing investigation.

In the lawyer's opinion, this could be all wrapped up within one year which brought a smile to her face because that was longer than she was actually married to Castle. Tears fell as she kept reading the rather mundane script of events that the other side had proposed. It was really a letter from a lawyer to a lawyer that put a procedure in place without any sentiment one way or the other. It did nothing to absolve the heartache she assumed they were both feeling.

Since he was a somewhat celebrity, the last couple paragraphs in the letter dealt with press issues. If it was agreeable, Black Pawn would put something out about the beginning of divorce proceedings once there was initial agreement, and that would be followed up by a final announcement saying the process was now complete. They hoped these rather meager tidbits would allow both to experience the least media scrutiny possible. This would please both because Castle assuredly had no interest in everyone constantly being reminded of his new status as a '3 time loser', and she wanted no energetic reporter writing tawdry stuff about an NYPD precinct captain that might draw the attention of her superiors down at 1PP.

In need of a good lawyer, she had to make the dreaded call to her dad in the hopes he could provide a reputable attorney who could follow the suggested outline. As she expected, the call did not go well. His disappointment over the news was palpable through the phone. On more than one occasion he scolded her for how nonchalant and resigned she was about the whole thing. She never tried to offer any defense and kept trying to steer the conversation back to the name of a good lawyer. Castle's lawyer had suggested a low visibility relatively painless plan, and she was quite willing to follow it. In the end, he finally suggested a youngish lawyer named Mike Daily who was doing just matrimonial cases at a small firm in Queens.

She called him the next day and met him for lunch the next week. He had read the letter before the meeting and was quite pleased there was no pre-nuptial agreement in place. His main concern was the cash settlement because with no kids in the picture that was usually where the disagreements started. Beckett really never understood just how wealthy Castle was, and she agreed to let that all come out during the discovery process.

For the next month she was busy with her captain's work, her frequent contacts with Vikram, and weekly updates from Daily. She had mastered most of the 1PP administrative stuff early on, but the politics of the place took a lot of getting used to. She had learned who to butter-up, and Assistant Chief Gates had been an invaluable mentor. The meetings with Vikram were another story. All their efforts turned up lots of dust, but scant progress. She had been so sure she could crack this riddle, and she became quite disgusted with her earlier naive arrogance.

On the Daily front she had learned that Castle was worth north of 20 million. With that in mind, she liked the idea of getting most of her character's book sales and nothing else. Her lawyer advised her to aim higher, but she refused thinking that Castle might turn nasty and draw the inevitable out for far longer than she wanted.

The following week, Daily called to say the settlement offer was just north of 4, and she would have to agree to a non-disclosure agreement about their marriage and police partnership. That seemed reasonable to her because talking about either was just too painful. A few nights later, he called again to say all was agreed and offered to meet her for dinner to go over the details. Since this was business meeting and nothing more, she agreed to meet the next night at 7:00PM at a restaurant she and Castle used to frequent. The wine was good, the food was good, and the download from Mike was the cherry on top. For the first time since Vikram's call, she actually forgot about the investigation for a few hours and just enjoyed his company.

He was single and not bad looking. He was younger than she by at least 5 years and seemed very career oriented. That was definitely going to be her type from now on, and she briefly contemplated something more. By desert, she was admonishing herself for even thinking along those lines. Maybe that would come true someday, but not today. Lanie would not be right today – period.

Just as she expected, the next day's paper had the announcement about Castle's impending breakup without any reference to their history. She was sure Gina and Paula probably wrote most of the copy so it would be short and not very detailed. This was probably all part of a plan to eventually rehab Castle's image back into something that would grow his fan base down the road. The only comfort she got that day was the rather hefty deposit now safely deposited in her checking account.


	5. Chapter 5

The next week was relatively quiet until she ran into Martha at a local coffee shop. She should have immediately left her place in line and sprinted for door, but that was not to be. Instead Martha was adding all sorts of free concoctions to her huge drink when their eyes met.

Within seconds her vivacious personality shut down, and a dour look came over her. This little exchange was not going to be pleasant, and but the public venue might not be a bad place for this inevitable collision. She had, after all, insisted on the separation, and this was one of the consequences from a woman who she once thought might be a second mother to her. With a resigned shrug, she ordered her usual and steeled herself for what was to come.

Martha sat at a tiny table and waited for Beckett to get her drink from the tattooed barista working all the dials and gizmos. She was going to need it; she could just tell. She sat down, and Martha dispensed with any small talk. 'Katherine, Katherine, Katherine how could you do this to my son? I really thought you were the one, and now you turn out worse than all the rest. Your mother is dead – plain and simple. You have never gotten out of the hole you dug that night you met Raglan. Everything, and I do mean everything, takes a backseat to the vendetta you started that night. Was playing hard to get, a quick marriage, and an even quicker divorce all part of some diabolical plan to fund your obsession? '

'Katherine, my son is home blaming himself for all this. Somehow he is trying to figure out how 3XK's prediction about you could possibly come true right under his nose. Will anyone ever be enough for you? All he does is sit home and mope. His dismal state has caused Alexis to change all her college plans. She is applying to some school in California for a part-time admission so she can be around her dad when she asks him to join her 3,000 miles away from you. She is hoping the sunshine, new digs, and her bubbly presence will blunt his downward spiral. I have not met many truly cruel people in my life, but you are definitely one of the finalists.'

Beckett was totally flummoxed by the bitterness spewing from her former mother-in-law. Leave it to Martha to stick the dagger in without any remorse or sympathy. Since her mother died, no one had spoken to her like that, and she finally understood that any forlorn hope for a future reconciliation with this family was just that. What do you say when you get blatantly called to account for your despicable behavior? This clearly was a pissed mother deeply upset over what she had done to her only son. Rather than risk any further outbursts, she simply whispered, 'I so sorry Martha' and took her leave right out the door without making any further eye contact.

On her way to the station she stopped on a nearby park bench to steady herself for the day ahead. The consequences of her actions were now plain to see and began to have doubts about the course of action she had chosen. Whatever LOKSAT was, it was very good at keeping itself well under the radar. She just assumed that her cop brain and her usual tenacity would win out like always, but perhaps that was not to be.

When she finally reached the homicide floor at the 12th, she was surprised to see 2 suits with sunglasses waiting for her. This could not be good, and she wasn't wrong. The lead guy introduced himself as David Knox and told her she would be coming with them to discuss her obstruction of an FBI investigation, her unauthorized use of NYPD resources, and her hiring under false pretense of one, Vikram Singh. He then told her that search warrants were being served momentarily on both her and Vikram's home and office. With that, she was asked to stand up and cuffed for the walk through the bullpen. When she walked out, you could hear a pin drop in the usually boisterous bullpen as every set of eyes focused on her shiny new bracelets.

When they arrived at the FBI building, she was escorted into an interrogation room complete with the standard mirror and cuffed to the table like a supposedly violent suspect. It was funny to be on the other side of the table, and she was immediately read her rights before they left her all alone wondering where this was leading.

The first person to visit her was a young woman who she guessed was both and agent and a profiler. They went over the details of her mother's death and all her subsequent efforts through Bracken to bring the killer to justice. Nothing Beckett said seemed to surprise her, and that suggested that this team had their ducks pretty well lined up.

She then brought up the subject of her dad, Castle, and his family. 'Sounds like marriage and family life didn't agree with you? It would be a shame to pull all those innocents into your mess, but if the evidence leads us there, we won't hesitate to make them public fodder for this investigation. I doubt your dad's law firm, Black Pawn, or Alexis's school with be real happy with the negative press.' With that threat clearly dangling on the table, the young woman closed her file and left the room.

The next visitor was an older man who she guessed was a seasoned interrogator. His opening salvo went in a different direction. 'Did you really think no one from this office would follow-up or investigate the ruthless killing of most of your old team. We are not like the NYPD who buried your mother's case especially when it involves the loss of respected agents like McCord. Your arrogance is astounding for someone with your experience.'

'And you know what - one of your own, Torrie, from you own IT group turned you in. If any of our agents had been harmed in any way because of your stupid parallel investigation, I would be screaming for some Federal hard time where they could install a private monitor showing your mother's murder scene 23 hours a day. Maybe then, you would finally let this go? '

'Right down the hall, we have Vikram Singh in a room just like this, and he is trying to be just as stoic as you. I think his tune will change soon. Seems both his sisters are here thanks to chain migration. Family relationships in his home country are kind of murky, and maybe ICE needs to do a more thorough investigation after they are detained. They live in California and might like a new view of the good old USA from somewhere in upstate New York while this is all straightened out. What do you think?'

'By the way, our IT people think they will hack both your computers by late tonight and that should give us all we need. If you want to get ahead of this avalanche, you better start talking real soon.'

As he got up to leave, she asked for her lawyer, and he provided a phone for her to call Mike Daily. He was dumfounded by what he heard and suggested another lawyer at the firm who was experienced in criminal defense. He would find him and get him over there as soon as possible. He closed with the usual caution to say nothing, and she was experienced enough to know that was the best and only advice he could give.


	6. Chapter 6

Her new lawyer, Elizabeth Cable, arrived at the FBI building about an hour later and was given a short briefing about what Beckett and Vikram were suspected of. They were now waiting for a complete picture of the cyber evidence off their respective laptops and the very real possibility that her accomplice would be dishing the whole sad story soon enough for some yet to be determined deal.

When she went into the interrogation room Beckett was trying to eat from a dinner tray while still be handcuffed to the table. The new lawyer's first glimpse of her client was not the dignified NYPD captain she was expecting. The good news was that the chaotic scene seemed to cut through the usual formalities so the lawyer was able to get down to the gritty details in record time.

The big reveal was that her new client was quite ready to fess up to all she had done provided they agreed to forget about her dad, Castle, her family, her 12th precinct, and consider Vikram a duped minor accomplice. Ms. Cable told her she thought that would be a hard sell given what they already knew, and even if terms could be arranged, she might be facing a long prison sentence somewhere that could be a living hell for a former cop.

Meanwhile Agent Knox and his team were having heated discussions about what to do next. The evidence so far suggested that this illicit investigation could be best described as amateur hour. They had uncovered virtually nothing important about either LOKSAT or the organization. If they chose to pursue this sideshow, they knew Beckett had the financial resources to hire good attorneys and turn her trial into a media circus. That would tip their hand for all to see including LOKSAT who would probably either cease operations or bury it even deeper. That would just complicate their job, and in his view, no good could come from that.

When Cable finally left Beckett after their initial interview, she asked to meet with Agent Knox. After the usual pleasantries, she outlined the framework of a hypothetical deal that involved full cooperation from her client provided the Bureau and AG office treaded lightly when dealing with Vikram, the Castle family, the 12th precinct staff, and of course, her dad.

Agent Knox was willing to at least hypothetically consider such an arrangement only if Vikram and his attorney would abide by the same deal. What the attorney did not know was that the FBI LOKSAT investigation was running on borrowed time. The supervising agent back in DC was losing patience and wanted to wean resources for other cases. From Knox's viewpoint, he was hoping that their promised full disclosure might provide a solid lead that would reinvigorate their languishing investigation and please the brass in DC.

Since her proposal was not immediately rejected, she moved on and met with the public defender assigned to help Vikram. He was a very junior attorney and not very familiar with how the Federal system worked. Luckily she was, and he gladly accepted a meeting at a coffee shop nearby to discuss a mutual strategy that might provide the best possible outcome for both their clients. He reported that Vikram was really spooked by their threat against his sisters and was looking for any way to derail that prospect. With that on the table, attorney Cable made her pitch for a joint deal that would involve both their client's complete cooperation. Vikram's attorney like her suggestion and promised to present it to his client when they returned.

He also informed Cable that Vikram's interrogators were overheard wondering why this whole matter wasn't left with the State of New York. From what he could ascertain, the evidence so far for a serious obstruction charge was pretty meager and might not meet the standard their prosecutor would want. He felt that the agents were in a holding pattern hoping that the cyber records would give them the concrete evidence they needed to make the charge stick.

Vikram has assured his attorney from the beginning that all their efforts were just a cloud of dust and nothing more. That was unexpected news to Cable, and she needed to confer with her client about what exactly her investigation had uncovered. If corroborated by her client, she began to see the outlines of a twist that might have the Feds withdraw from the case completely.

Her meeting with her client started with a tense exchange about exactly what she had learned about LOKSAT. At first Kate spoke in generalities, and the lawyer was growing impatient with her elusive answers. She finally expresses her frustration by saying, 'If you aren't going to be thorough with me, how can I try to sell any deal to the FBI. Is a hard Federal prison your preferred venue for the next few years? These guys are seriously pissed about what you did, and any hint of recalcitrance on your part will just antagonize them further. They won't give anything unless you give everything. '

'If what you did turns out to be nothing more than a bucket of warm spit, it is possible they will be amenable to deal where they cede prosecution to the NYPD and New York State in return for your full and unfettered cooperation. Their target is LOKSAT, and if you have nothing, you become just an administrative sideshow that could jeopardize their LOKSAT investigation'

Kate was visibly shaken by her lawyer's cold assessment and was struggling with herself to admit that all her efforts amounted to no more than a bucket of warm spit. She was a good cop, and how could she not see her lack of progress clearly? With no friends and Castle to keep her grounded, she had gone off the rails again, and this time there might be serious consequences. With that in mind, she stood as straight as possible allowing for the handcuffs and began a complete download of all that she and Vikram had uncovered. It was a short story that happily pretty much measured up to her lawyer's first impressions.

After successfully presenting her ideas about a joint strategy to both Vikram and his lawyer, both attorneys sought out Agent Knox and outlined a hypothetical deal. Under the plan both their clients would fully cooperate, the FBI would decline prosecution avoiding a compromising public trial, and New York State could deal with the unauthorized investigation and false hiring charges using a pseudonym for LOKSAT in all their official pleadings. Cable and the public defender saw this as a win-win, but Knox was less than thrilled. He suggested that the detainees could go home for the night, and they would all reconvene late the next morning to decide next steps.

Attorney Cable and Kate walked out of the elevator on to the street level just before midnight, and there was Jim waiting on a pretty uncomfortable public lobby bench. She guessed that Ryan or Espo had called him, and he came down to help if possible. When their eyes locked, she could see the concern written all over his face, and she fell silently behind him as they walked to his nearby car.


	7. Chapter 7

She expected to be dropped off at her apartment, but that was not to be. Instead Jim headed to their usual restaurant. The confrontation really started in the car.

'This has something to do with Johanna's murder? Doesn't it? Javier called to let me know you had been taken in by the FBI, and rumors are swirling about whatever you did. He said Gates held a short meeting at the precinct to announce that you were temporarily relieved of command and IA would be coming shortly to do an audit of all the cases closed on your watch. Your friends are all dreading what comes next, and Lanie is trying to find a lawyer who might give Kevin, Javier, and her a group discount. They think they are the likely targets because of their past friendship with you'

The news about her friends was an unexpected jolt, but she took comfort that her new found wealth might actually come in handy. She offered no quick rebuttal to his accusations hoping not to stoke the coming rampage. When they were finally seated at a booth, she responded by saying, 'In my former job in DC, I stumbled on to something that blows up all our other prior assumptions about mom's murder. Most of my old team was gunned down in cold blood, and I think the reason may lie in an unauthorized query I made. I thought they might come after you, Castle, his family, or even members of my team. I had to stop them, and Vikram and I have been doing an off-the-books investigation to do just that.'

He couldn't fully believe what he was hearing. 'Kate, this whole thing needs to stop. You are truly obsessed, and it is going to cost you everything you should hold dear. You have already lost your marriage, and I doubt Rick or any of his family will ever speak to you again. You aren't down a rabbit hole; you are down a sewer that never ends without any perspective because you never look up from shit you are mired in.'

'You could end up in jail. You know what happens to cops in jail. I know you think you are strong, but someone there will be stronger and make your stay a living hell because you carried a badge. Do you think the guards are going to protect a disgraced cop? Does getting regularly raped or beaten sound like a fun way to spend the next couple of years or so? What if one of your former collars is in the same place? Do you think you will get a moment's peace with them looking for revenge? You think you are damaged goods now. Just wait until you come out of that crucible.

I can't make you go back to Dr. Burke or somebody else, but that is what you ultimately need to do. You have a huge problem, and you have to finally face it head on. I never thought I would say this to my only daughter, but that is no longer a request on my part. If you want any sort of normal relationship with me, you must start and remain in therapy for however long it takes. This is not an idle threat; if you persist, you can do it alone. I will give you some time to consider your future, but I want a straight answer soon.'

Kate was visibly rattled by her father's threat and never considered prison as a likely outcome for all her nefarious activities. Perhaps losing her family was just another interim price she would have to pay just like separating from Castle. She was convinced from the start that she would find the culprits and bring them to justice. In her head that justice would right everything, and Castle and her family would welcome her back with open arms. The far darker scenario that her father imagined was shocking, and she chastised herself for being so zealous and naïve.

Sensing that her dad's diatribe was winding down, she offered her profuse apologies not knowing what else to say. She was smart enough to recognize that any defense would just unleash another tirade. Perhaps therapy might work, but it would need to be way more intrusive and painful than anything Dr. Burke has initiated. Could she really handle that kind of intrusion? Right now she had no answer to that question.

On the way home to her shabby digs, her dad queried her about her new attorney, but she assured him that Elizabeth Cable was more than up to the task. In the morning she and Cable should probably talk about her engagement and get some ideas about how she would tackle the looming state case if the Feds followed her preferred course of action.

After getting dropped off, she checked her phone and found tons of repeat messages from Lanie, Kevin, and Javi. She guessed that her phone was now monitored and decided that cutting off all communication was best for all concerned.

That did not last long. Well before her usual alarm started blaring, Elizabeth Cable was on the phone about her next appearance at the FBI building. It was now put off until 1:00PM, and her lawyer took that as a hopeful sign that the brass in DC were delaying things to get all the paperwork in order before she and Vikram started telling their sordid tale. They decided to meet for lunch near the FBI Building, and Cable was quite amenable to working on the state case at her usual rate of a grand per hour.

That afternoon the 2 attorneys and their respective clients met a glum Agent Knox in the conference room. He had soured on the deal overnight only to find that the brass in DC liked it more and more. The early morning video conference with the supervising agent was really not a discussion, but a directive. Even with the limited cyber evidence now in their possession, this was a sideshow that impeded nothing. A trial was too risky because the unwanted publicity would tip off their entire hand to a very elusive adversary. What good would come from that? None was consensus answer from his DC superiors, and he knew his preferred option was not going to win the day.

The meeting itself was rather anti-climactic. The written agreement basically followed Cable's understanding and stipulated that both clients must be prepared for a thorough grilling by groups of interrogators that will last 4 or 5 full days. Every facet of these interviews will be checked, and any misunderstanding immediately clarified. Any perceived lack of candor by either party would terminate the deal, and the Bureau would immediately start aggressive investigations against Beckett's friends and family and Vikram's sisters. Both attorneys scrutinized the paperwork carefully and met separately with their respective clients. Both stressed that this was the best outcome possible, and each recommended signing off on the deal. By 3:00PM that afternoon, Beckett was in a café having her favorite drink with a copy of her signed deal in her purse.


	8. Chapter 8

The 4 plus days proved both boring and prophetic. The promised interrogations began promptly at 9:00AM and didn't end until the various teams were satisfied with the answers. The day started with one-on-one meetings with Beckett and Vikram in separate rooms and then teams of agents did the follow-up up until a lunch break. In the afternoons they were brought together to again cover much of the same ground discussed earlier in the day. All conversations were recorded and mirrors in each interview room strongly suggested that others higher up the food chain were listening in as well.

The odd thing Beckett noticed because of her past training was that none of the agents made any attempt at small talk or anything else. It was all strictly business like they were robots following a very set playbook. At lunch and other breaks they just got up and left without offering any advanced warning. Often Beckett was left in the room alone wondering if this was a pause before the next team arrived or some free time. In the past Beckett had always got along with her law enforcement peers, and this consistent shunning was both new and unpleasant.

On the other side of the table, all her interrogators were furious much like Agent Knox that she was avoiding a costly trial that hopefully would drain her substantial divorce windfall and some hard time at a Federal prison that could quote 'insure her safety' as a former cop. Many had heard of or knew Rachel McCord and her team, and none wanted to play nice with the person who orchestrated this sideshow that in their view wasted valuable resources on a whole bunch of nothing.

The only good news that week was a series of calls from her lawyer about Vikram. His lawyer had contacted Cable to question whether her client was the subject of a lot of wooing by companies and government agencies. Apparently the veiled queries they had done right under the nose of the NYPD had caused quite a stir among security experts including the companies or government agencies that employ them. Headhunters had called him trying to land a meeting with Vikram about possible employment opportunities when this tawdry business was all wrapped up. In the tech world what he had done was seen almost like a badge of honor because it unlocked all sorts of job opportunities with tech companies or government agencies looking to utilize his skills for their own purposes.

Cable and Beckett were both surprised by this development and began a dialogue about how this might play out in their future dealings with the State of New York. Since the joint strategy had worked so well with the Feds, Cable had suggested to Vikram's attorney that they follow the same plan with the local DA and NYPD. Vikram's attorney was more circumspect and was even hoping that the right agency offer might include a plea deal, probation, and a new well paid job somewhere far from New York.

The last day at the FBI Building started like any other. The interrogations continued pretty much non-stop right through the usual lunch period. They were interested in just one query and kept hammering away about why they made it and what they found out. She had suggested the idea and was kind of proud of herself for her out-of-the-box thinking that Castle was so good at. When that line of questioning seemed fully explored, Agent Knox entered alone to tell her that she and her lawyer were expected at 1PP on Tuesday of the following week to meet with Victoria Gates and the assigned ADA. With that appointment duly conveyed, he got up and ushered her out through a sea of contemptuous glances from the nearby staff.

On the following Monday she met with Cable at her office for almost the whole day. Vikram's lawyer had not responded to her suggestions for a joint strategy, and she had to assume that she and Beckett were on their own for the next fight. The best plan was to minimize this whole sordid affair into zealous cop going off the rails to find her mother's killer that really had little to no impact on the affairs of the NYPD.

The assistant DA had already insinuated to her that the IA investigation was a dry hole, and none of her staff including Espo, Ryan, and Lanie had done anything to assist in her private investigation. She was much relieved about this bit of good news and expressed a hope that when this was over she could reimburse her friends for the costly lawyering that in the end proved unnecessary. Cable told her that discussion was reserved for a later date and immediately steered the conversation right back to the matter at hand.

The very real charges were misuse of departmental resources to conduct an unauthorized investigation and the factious hiring of an employee to further that investigation. Both were serious charges and could carry some hard time. For the second time in recent memory Beckett was hearing about a future outcome that her naïve confidence never considered. Jail for a cop was not a good thing, and given her high case closing record, there was bound to be someone to make her life miserable. The good news was that her investigation was so bungled and amateurish that the whole thing was nothing but a blown up exercise in frustration and dead ends. As for the factious hiring of Vikram, there were no complaints from any staff about his work product or effort.

The meeting with Victoria Gates started just as she expected with a tirade of accusations and epithets. 'Kate, how the hell could you lie to me like that right to my face about Vikram? You are obsessed with your mother's killing and now have lost all of the good reputation you took so long to build. Your friends have had their lives torn apart, and though nothing was found, the stink of your misdeeds will tarnish their careers. In my view you are unfit to carry a badge for the NYPD or any other law enforcement agency.'

'The press is now digging into your recent unexplained leave of absence and lots of lawyers are looking for ways to use any tawdry pretense to reopen many cases closed on your watch. Do you have any idea how much police time and DA time that kind of review might take? Like we haven't got enough to do already?'

'Yesterday we had a long briefing from the FBI, and you know what they called your little off-the-books project with Vikram - a joke. People who need to know including your old team are getting updated this week, and the Mayor, the Commissioner, and the Chief of Detectives are furious. I even understand that your former husband is no longer one of the Mayor's best buds.'

Attorney Cable was taken aback by the outburst, but Beckett grabbed her arm implicitly cautioning her before she could interject any sort of rebuttal. Beckett knew that Gates had a temper, and this tirade was part of the price she would have to pay for her misdeeds.

After Gate's finished her very negative assessment of what Kate was alleged to have done, Attorney Cable asked why Vikram and Vikram's attorney were not present. That question led the ADA to surprise everyone with the news that Homeland Security had reached an employment agreement with Vikram, and as an agency courtesy, the Commissioner/Mayor would drop that part of the investigation and just fire him outright into the waiting arms of his new Federal masters.

Cable immediately saw an opening and asked for same type of leniency for her client. She then postulated how a jury might interpret this rather blatant disparate treatment that the State was party to. If this was just an amateur sideshow that merited no real punishment for one perpetrator, how could the state argue that the other was more accountable? The ADA quickly responded that the difference in rank and experience clearly warranted a heftier sanction.

Cable responded by saying, 'This is nothing more than a daughter trying to get justice for her mother's brutal murder that was swept under the rug by corrupt NYPD officers all those many years ago. Yes, she had made some bad decisions along the way like starting her own silly investigation, but this was a highly regarded officer whose errors in judgement should be handled internally not at a public trial.'

This exchange clearly exposed the divide in perspectives that each side brought to the table. After the status conference Beckett and Cable regrouped at the attorney's office and discussed possible next steps. Over stale coffee in Cable's office, they agreed that the news about Vikram and the original dirty cop involvement could only help their case.

The real sin here was her farcical investigation that really amounted to nothing at all. Beckett was not pleased with that harsh assessment, but Cable would not be swayed. As Beckett was collecting her things to leave Cable finally said, 'Kate, welcome to failure. Now you can drop that exceptional chip on your shoulder and join the rest of the human race. In essence you bet your job, your marriage, and the loyalty of your friends on a plan that was flawed from the start. How the hell could you think you alone could do a better job than the FBI? This is a case of personal arrogance trumping sound judgement, and you will have to live with that - no matter what the legal outcome.'


	9. Chapter 9

Over the next week both sides communicated via email various proposals that might resolve this impasse. At the DA Office the ADA was concerned about a very public rehash of the dirty cop issue, their promise to the FBI to keep LOKSAT out of any future trial record, and finally a new worry conveyed by the mayor's staff about how his honor's prior documented friendship with defendant might become political fodder for the local tabloids. Victoria Gates was having none of this and kept insisting on real jail time as part of any plea arrangement. The lying to her face about Vikram had hit a raw nerve, and she wanted to set an example for those under her command.

In the end the ADA proposed giving Beckett a choice. Either resign immediately or begin a 90 day suspension with required therapy and then return to work as a patrol officer just above rookie status. This plan really pleased no one, but it did reflect what often happens when supposedly blind justice runs into competing bureaucratic agendas of the agencies charged with administering it. From the DA's point of view no trial meant no dirty cops on the front pages, no chance that the FBI investigation of LOKSAT was compromised, and finally the Mayor's relationship with the defendant doesn't get drawn into the trial record.

Gates made it clear she would not be a welcome addition to any precinct - no matter what role she assumed. Attorney Cable liked the plan because it included no prison time, and if she chose to resign, it would be a 1 day story that the press would soon tire of. Beckett on the other hand, was torn. Resigning was the easy way out and not naturally in her DNA. This whole sordid mess did not diminish her overriding desire to bring justice for victims, and perhaps over time, she could do that once again all be it in a reduced capacity. In the end after a very contentious meeting with Gates where the terms of her future employment were emphatically laid out, Beckett chose to serve her suspension, begin therapy, and come back.

With that settled, Beckett contacted Dr. Burke about a referral to a therapist who might be somewhat close to her Dad's cabin upstate. Provided she was in a therapy regime, her dad was more than willing to let her live there for the 90 days or so. Luckily, her new recommended shrink had an office exactly 4 miles off the thruway north. That worked for her especially since the intervening rest stop had a good coffee shop so she would be well caffeinated when she arrived for the twice weekly sessions.

Each session was intense as Dr. Duffy had no use for the kid glove approach used by Dr. Burke. Where Dr. Burke used a scalpel to slowly uncover her core issues, he chose a chainsaw to let the emotions flow. It all began on that fateful night that Officer Raglan met them front of her house. Those much discussed walls all started that night, and while Castle had cajoled his way in, this guy was laying siege with a howitzer.

His point was that she had regressed that night into a frightened child and never came out. In order to keep her true self out of view she worked longer and harder than anyone else. That work ethic morphed into a competitive chip on her shoulder that Castle observed as extraordinary. Her therapist felt her legendary determination to find justice for victims was just an act to hide her unresolved psyche that still had not processed her mother's murder. Relationships with men just quelled her sex drive until Castle showed up. He was different, but in the end, she let her one-and-done go for another shot at sweet revenge. She never cried in any of these sessions, but on the way back to the cabin, all bets were off.

When she wasn't visiting the shrink, she started to explore the area and found a nice property for sale on a lake about 25 miles north of her dad's place. She and the broker went back and forth, but with a tidy sum still in her account, there really wasn't much question about joining the landed gentry. With an only cash offer, the sale was expedited, and she had a remodeler there shortly thereafter replacing the kitchen, bath, heating system, and shoring up the dirt driveway that was almost non-existent.

On her first day back she was told to report to Captain Sotan at the 114th precinct in the Bronx. She arrived in full uniform right on time and was ushered into his office almost immediately. The meeting did not go well. Not one word of welcome was spoken. She was here only because he was courting favor down at 1PP for something he really wanted. Her reputation had preceded her, and none of his officers were keen to partner up with her.

Based on that negativity, he had decided to make her a lone resource for all divisions in the precinct hoping she might eventually find a place to fit in. In the meantime, her job was to work from the neck down using her hands, feet, eyes, and ears as necessary. Every key stoke she made on a computer would be monitored by IA, and any non-work related queries would be grounds for immediate termination.

For her first assignment she would be working in the traffic unit doing intersection control all over the borough as a contractor changed out dozens of street lights. July and August were not the best months to be outside all day, but she would have to get used to it. On her way out of the office, he perused her uniform and told her to take the rest of the morning to get a proper haircut and shoes that met departmental regulations. She might have been able to ignore those finer points of NYPD protocol at the 12th, but here, things would be different especially for her.

Correctly shoed and coiffed, she met with the traffic supervisor to get the lowdown on the 8 week assignment. She would leave directly after dayshift rollcall and meet the crew at the site of the first installation for that day. Once the contractor arrived, she would help guide the bucket truck into position and then begin the thankless task of being a human traffic light as the crew shut off the power for up to 45 minutes to replace the suspect bulbs. It sounded simple enough, but those rosy assumptions would be sorely tested in a toasty New York summer.

On her first morning she got to the intersection a tad early and met the crew foreman. He was very happy to have continuity from the NYPD for the entire 8 weeks. His concerns were quite simple. No harm should come to his men or his truck, and the inevitable driver complaints and frustrations were her department.

The first 2 installations were a brutal reminder of why any stint in traffic was universally derided. At this early hour most of the cars contained commuters who had absolutely no patience for the snarl they were in. Windows were down and epithets tossed whenever they thought she was listening. By late mid-morning the rising temperature and humidity had taken quite a toll on her newly coifed hair and pressed uniform. Sweaty hair strands were flying every which way, and her uniform was covered with huge perspiration stains that would only get worse as the day wore on.

When lunchtime came, she ran into a nearby air conditioned diner and downed profuse amounts of water while trying to calm her aching arms, calves, and feet. The afternoon proved to be just more of the same, and as she was changing back to civilian attire, she was realizing how unpleasant this was going to be. Upon her arrival home, she ordered in, drank 2 glasses of wine, and took a long soak in the tub. Sleep came easily that night, but the next shift came up just as fast.


	10. Chapter 10

On her last day with the signal crew she was sunburned, in better shape, and had a new appreciation for the work of traffic cops everywhere. She was now resigned to the constant verbal abuse and guessed she had been cursed at in every language on the planet. Her hair was no longer a problem because after 2 weeks of disaster, she had accepted her stylist recommendation for a modified butch. Her uniform got had no such reprieve. Every day it reeked of sweat, grime, and auto fumes.

On her first day back at the precinct, she met with Captain Sotan to learn that she would now be a glorified clerk for the entire precinct taking care of any menial task that any of her fellow officers felt they were too busy to accomplish. After briefly learning about her new duties, he escorted her over to a tiny alcove spot where only a single desk would fit. It had a phone, a computer terminal, a blotter, an out box and an overflowing inbox. Her job was to get as many things as possible out of the inbox every day. If she had questions regarding any of the requests, she was to contact the referring officer and follow their instructions period. Independent thinking was not on the agenda.

The height of the pile before her indicated that no division was going to be shy about utilizing her services. Fulfilling all these requests seemed like a daunting task, and she wondered if her often expressed disdain for paperwork at the 12th played any role in how this job was structured. The first week was spent getting to know the personnel she would need to interact with. The property clerks, administrative assistants in the DA office, and judicial staff were not a happy bunch, and she usually got a cool reception because her call usually meant more work for them.

On the last day of the first week she had to call the Medical Examiner's office, and much to her surprise, Lanie answered the call. When Lanie realized who the caller was, everything turned frosty. 'You should call Perlmutter; I would only talk with you if it was recorded. My whole life was upended because of your silly investigation. Javier, Kevin, and I are still paying off the lawyer, and your mess has left us shunned by most of our colleagues. We just keep our heads down and pray IA never darkens our door. The new captain, probably on orders from Gates, has gone regulation crazy, and the boys are being kept on a short leash.' With that little tirade off her chest, Lanie slammed the phone down, and Beckett was once again was left speechless by another harsh rebuke from someone she once considered her best friend.

Over the next few weeks her work life settled into a tedious series of fetch, read, collate, review, and summarize for whoever made the request. It was not something to look forward to, and there was absolutely no personnel interaction that wasn't strictly work related. She was sure that if she keeled over at her desk, her colleagues would still add to the inbox ignoring her lifeless body. The traffic assignment, her new endless life in clerical hell, and the short talk with Lanie were starting to make her doubt her usual self-confidence about how her work ethic would win over all her detractors.

A new bump in the road came when a letter from Castle's lawyer stated that the rather muted publicity about her demotion had none-the-less violated her non-disclosure agreement, and the second payment would not forthcoming. Her lawyer was quite willing to fight this unilateral decision, but she opted not to. Her bank account was still quite flush, and the added cash was not worth the probably public fight to get it.

The last straw in the continuing car wreck of her work life came quite by accident.

Somehow, someone at central dispatch had put her on the call list for the homicide unit. When the call came around 4:00AM, she could hardly believe her ears as she was told to dress at the station and report to the scene ASAP. She hoped this was the beginning of a thaw with her precinct colleagues, and her expectations were quite high on the way over.

When she arrived at the scene, something was off. There in the thick of things with 2 of her precinct detectives was Kevin Ryan. A cascade of thoughts entered her mind as she tentatively hoped that their chance meeting might lead to a slow reconciliation on that front. She soon learned that was not the plan. Apparently their victim was a person of interest in a case currently being worked at the 12th, and he was here to provide liaison services for his home unit.

When they collectively recognized her, Kevin motioned for her to join them. Without any word of greeting, he began by instructing her to begin the usual canvas on the floor immediately. She was about to start when she realized the early hour and suggested a later start time in order to gain more cooperation. Kevin was in no mood for second guessing, and said, 'Officer Beckett start the canvas now and you know do all the floors in the building. You can never have too much information. Then in a raised voice he continued, 'Now get started - are we clear, Beckett?'

As she turned to leave all she could muster was, 'Yes Sir'. When Perlmutter arrived about 10 minutes later, he was greeted by a crying Beckett leaning up against the building near the main entrance. This rebuke was a real body blow because of all her former friends she thought Ryan was the most likely to understand why she had done what she did. That obviously was a foolish hope, and her isolation from her friends, Castle, Alexis, and Martha was now fully exposed. She went home that night and followed her usual routine except she openly wept in the tub while considering what a mess she had made of everything.

The canvass took an extra day to complete because Ryan's whim expanded the number of contacts from just 6 to over 30. Calls were made the following day to set up visits with those not questioned that first morning. Those interviews were short and not very helpful. Most were not happy about a police intrusion into their busy lives and wanted her out of their face as soon as possible. When the reports were finished, she sent them off to her detective colleagues with a copy for Ryan as well. She wondered how he would react to seeing her name in his inbox.

With that completed, she resumed her inbox battle, and though everyone knew she was temporarily preoccupied, that didn't mitigate the size of the pile awaiting her attention. That Friday after work she took her bike and rode to her newly remodeled cabin. The rest of the weekend was spent considering what to do next.

Gates promised that her work life would be hell, and though she had tried to persevere, nothing she did seemed to remove the stigma of blatant contempt from her fellow officers. On the home front her dad was not happy about her seeing Doctor Burke who he felt had coddled to the point of being both expensive and ineffective. He liked Dr. Duffy's blunt approach and wanted her to forsake all the baggage in the city and resume sessions with him. On the Castle front, he seemed to have disappeared from the tabloids, and the only news she could find was that he had severed his relationship with Black Pawn and was temporarily living out in California.

With her work life shattered, no hope for renewing past friendships, and little progress from the sessions with Dr. Burke, it seemed like a change of venue might be an excellent idea. The cabin was winterized, and she could buy a beater car for those days when the bike was an unsafe choice. With more than half of the divorce settlement still in the bank, she was confident that money would not be a problem for the foreseeable future.


	11. Chapter 11

On that Monday morning she waited until after lunch to inform Captain Sotan of her decision. He was not surprised. In fact her termination paperwork was already neatly stashed in his desk awaiting just a date and a couple signatures to be complete. Per Gate's directive, Sotan told her to leave immediately, and her salary for the usual notice period would be paid just like she was working. By 3:00PM she had surrendered her gun and badge, cleared everything personal out of her desk, and was doing one final inspection of her locker. Before 4:00PM she was on the street with her box without one word of farewell from anyone at the precinct. On her way home, she stopped at a coffee shop and considered how her unwavering obsession led to losing a job she loved, her one-and-done, and all her close friends.

Tomorrow would start a new chapter in her life, and she was both unsettled and hopeful. The first order of business was to move all her personal belongings including some furniture up to the refurbished cabin. Edwardo, the doorman at the loft, was still on speaking terms with her, and he arranged for a local company to do the pickup and delivery the same day. After about a week of sorting, organizing, and discarding, she made her way to the local car dealers and bought a used 4-wheel-drive SUV which she would use whenever she needed the space or the road conditions were unsafe for her bike.

After most of the moving hassles were taken care of, she called Dr. Duffy's office to begin a new regime of appointments. She had elected to continue her NYPD insurance, and that would pay most of the cost. Her visits would be on each Tuesday and Friday for the foreseeable future, and as she expected, they were not pleasant.

He kept hammering at her about the night of her mother's murder. What did her psyche really do that night and how did that play out in her life afterwards. His second broadside took aim at her relationship issues. Although she professed to want one, did she really do the work even with Castle? Lastly, he questioned why the consequences for her work friends were never part of her calculation when she decided to start her own private investigation.

After most sessions she was deflated and often tearful on the way home. The good news was that the solitude of the cabin allowed her hours to consider all that was said without any distractions except the occasional bird call. Dr. Duffy was very right that something deep inside her had changed that night with Raglan's news. Her carefree childhood had abruptly ended, and she would doggedly dedicate her entire future to finding the culprits responsible.

The best way to do that was to become an NYPD cop. That required her to enter the police academy, become a uniformed officer, and excel so she could be trained as a detective. In order to do that, all she had to do was work hard at the academy and even harder as a uniform. That led to her fortuitous promotion into the precinct run by Roy Montgomery. Unbeknownst to her, his guilt for his own past misdeeds would lead him to mentor her into an outstanding detective. While her subsequent success stoked her ego, there was an insidious side effect that she was not expecting. With every new homicide case she encountered, the grief of the loved ones kept her own from dissipating with the passage of time. Those constant doses of similar grief kept her own fresh awaiting any spark that would rekindle the full unabated fury of her obsession.

As for relationships, Duffy was quite right that none of them before Castle really mattered. All satisfied her basic need for regular companionship and sex, but none got beyond her walls to really know the person beyond those barriers. Initially she was put off by Castle's well documented playboy image, but that all changed as she observed the loving bond he had for Alexis. Although having a family had never really cropped up on her to-do list, it was this part of him that definitely lit the fuse for her. The problem was that her commitment was never strong enough to resist the draw of her obsession whenever a new lead popped up regarding her mother's murder. He was her one-and-done, and yet she had immediately cast him aside immediately for another naïve attempt at justice for those that viciously took her mother. This harsh conclusion filled her with an abiding sense of regret that would haunt her for the rest of her life.

Next there was the matter of her friends who with the benefit of hindsight she had treated terribly. Her obsession caused this plain and simple. She had not considered the consequences of her crusade if she was called to account, and they were the collateral damage. She owed them all a huge in-person apology if they would ever be receptive to hear it. Since the FBI arrived at her office, there really had been no contact, and she saw no immediate way to change that. In the meantime, she would just have to live with that failure and hope that fate would someday provide a venue for reconciliation.

With the cabin all organized, her life began taking on a rather boring routine that was not pleasant. While shopping at the local food coop, she was intrigued by a tiny poster ad on the local notices board advertising for a part-time bookmobile driver for the local regional library. She loved books, and perhaps this was a way to occupy her voluminous hours of free time. Most of the interview was spent trying to talk her out of the job. The clientele she would be dealing with were mostly seniors, and many were not exactly friendly. The pay was just above minimum wage, and the only perk was access to the municipal health insurance plan at a reduced cost. She countered that money was not an immediate concern, and provided the work was somewhat fulfilling, she did not see herself abandoning them anytime soon. When asked why she left the NYPD she admitted that she was guilty of an unspecified computer security violation that she would rather get into. That raised no red flags for the hiring librarians because the library system she would use was so out of date that it no longer was capable of internet access.

Happily, she was offered the job the next week and began the following week with 5 days of orientation about the library resources and more importantly the stock kept on the bookmobile. With that completed, she shadowed a regular librarian for another full week going to the different scheduled sites. There she was introduced to the regulars and got lots of experience driving what seemed to her like an oversized RV. Her first week alone was full of private introductions and happy surprises. The regulars were happily surprised that she was not glued to a digital device every other minute. Most were not very computer savvy, and that shared disdain created the ice-breaker needed to be welcomed into their little worlds. By the end of the first month, the regulars were bringing flocks of new patrons that livened up every stop in her traveling windowless box as she fondly called it.

With the new job working out and less painful sessions with Dr. Duffy, life was looking pretty good until that fateful day she stopped at the local gas station for the weekly fill-up for the windowless box and a much needed coffee to go. As she added her usual 2 pumps of sugar free vanilla, a silver Mercedes pulled into the pump stand opposite the bookmobile. She would know that car anywhere. She had been in that car. Before any response could be contemplated, there was Rick nonchalantly heading for only door into or out of the shop.


	12. Chapter 12

As he walked in, he pivoted towards the counter and asked that a large coffee be added to the fill-up now in progress. After that, he turned to the coffee stand, and their eyes locked immediately. After a brief hesitation, he filled his cup, got his receipt, and walked outside to a nearby picnic set. She said nothing, but her heart was racing as she followed him outside without thinking about what comes next.

After sitting down opposite him and slowly sipping her drink, he said, 'With all the gas stations in New York, I walk into the one with you in it. The universe is a fickle bitch, and this must be payback for some of my past sins.'

Sensing his rising anger, she deflected by asking the obvious, 'What are you doing here?'

'I'm here on a scouting trip for mother. She is experiencing increasing periods of dementia. It all came to head when she kept asking where you were at family meals. Even after several awkward explanations she kept looking for you. It is now embarrassingly obvious that she needs institutional care. Your dad actually suggested a place just down the road that caters to former show people like her.'

Stunned for a second time by the reference to her dad, she asked, 'How did my dad get into this?'

'When I severed things with Black Pawn, my regular law firm surmised that my days as a cash cow were coming to an end. They advised me that I should look elsewhere. Most of my work life is now centered in California. In the new world of Hollywood, promoted scripts are often nothing more than a first drafts, and I am called in to add plot mechanics and logic where lapses are found. I work from home and now understand the hook they intend to use before I even start.'

'Your dad and I have kind of bonded over your inexplicable behavior, and that made him the obvious choice for the few legal issues I still have in New York. When things with mother got out of hand, I started my due diligence, and here I am.'

Flummoxed for the third time while her coffee cooled, she chastised herself for not knowing more about a family she once held dear. Now, here he was; the dutiful son trying to settle her in a place that respected who she was. He was a good man, and she had discarded him like trash out a car window.

Sensing that he had finished what he wanted to say, she began, 'As you probably know my little investigation went sideways when the FBI/AG office caught wind of it. They perk walked me out of the 12th, and only thanks to some good lawyering, was I allowed back as a uniform after a suspension. Gates told me it would be hell, and she did not disappoint. No one in the new precinct would partner with me, and I got hellish assignments like being a human traffic light for most of summer. Despite my best efforts, there was a solid blue line of contempt.'

'Reluctantly I surrendered to the inevitable and was out the door within hours of talking to the Captain. While on suspension, I lived at my dad's cabin and found this place just 20 miles north. I liked the location because it is closer to my new therapist, and I bought a small property on a lake which now is winterized and has all the modern conveniences.

'With my domestic life settled, I was getting kind of antsy when the bookmobile job kind of fell into my lap. It pays a pittance, but the social interaction with the customers as we call them has been wonderful. They don't do life-and-death drama, but instead concentrate on little pleasures that totally escaped my notice for far too long. My therapist thinks it could be my dream job.'

'Well, that's great, but it is hardly a concern of mine. You broke our always for a foolish investigation that devastated us, your friends, and your job. I'm a three time loser, and your friends have to carry your stench for the rest of their careers.'

'Castle, I know how much I screwed up with you and my friends. My therapist tears that scab off every week. I let my mother's murder overwhelm my love for you and the genuine friendships I had with Lanie, Javier, and Kevin. I have to live with that every day, but I now believe change is possible with the right coaching. I can see now that I owe all of my friends a huge apology, and there are no adequate words of contrition for what I did to us.'

With tears running down her face, Castle is now the one struggling to speak. His old Beckett would never admit anything she did was a mistake. This was not the stubborn self-assured hardly ever vulnerable person that shared his bed. Perhaps the therapist had finally broken through the last wall where he was once so close.

Finally he said, 'I doubt any of us are ready for a reunion any time soon, but maybe someday in the future, your friends would be more receptive. The aftermath created a lot of changes for them. Kevin and Javier have new partners, and the new captain is kind of in their face. They are convinced that IA placed the partners to report anything odd. Lanie now had every report reviewed by a hack who quibbles about punctuation and run-on sentences. You can imagine how pleased she is about that.'

'As for me I am off the relationship elixir. Luckily, Serena Kaye has dropped back into my California life. The sex is good, and the loose companionship works for both of us. By definition it seems hypocritical of me to contemplate anything new if you have truly lost your one-and-done.'

In just a few sentences many of the consequences of her obsession were laid bare, and the new round of tears started to flow before an unsympathetic audience. He was flustered by this emotion from the normally stoic Beckett. Finally he said, 'If you want, I can let them know of your desire to make amends. Maybe you'll get a call; maybe not.' That hint of reconciliation left her surprisingly calm when he suddenly left without saying another word.


	13. Chapter 13

Much to her surprise, winter north of the city was much different than she expected. Seventy plus miles away from the ocean made a big difference, and many days were gray with spitting snow, sleet, or the dreaded freezing rain. She was particularly thankful that the car dealer had talked her into an all-wheel drive SUV because without it, she would be unable to traverse her dirt driveway for months at a time.

Driving the windowless box in that kind of weather was both situational and precarious. The head librarian was naturally risk adverse and wanted the routes canceled at the first hint of bad weather. On days after winter precipitation, the bookmobile was difficult to maneuver into tight spaces where residual snow and ice had overlaid the usual pavement. The usual designated parking locations were often poorly plowed and she often had to improvise about where to park that would allow safe egress for her aging customers.

On wintry days, the traffic using the windowless box was meager, but those that did come were profusely thankful for her efforts to keep up with her appointed rounds. It was one of those days with just a single customer that she heard about Martha Rogers. The customer was long retired, but kept busy by taking just matinee tickets at the local theatre that opened just Thursday through Sunday. That prior week, while taking tickets, she was surprised to see Martha Rogers with a group of others from the assisted care place down the road. Martha was all decked out like it was opening night and hard not to notice in the usual sea of bland. On the day in question Martha was loudly going on about past performances, her many theatrical friends, and of course, her son, the famous author, Richard Castle. Kate shuttered at the mention of her former husband and hoped that her association would not be a subject of renewed gossip.

After she heard the news about Martha's whereabouts, the drive back to the main library and her commute home seemed like a blur. Martha was just a few miles down the road dealing with a terrible diagnosis, and as far as she knew, Rick and Alexis, her only family, were on the other side of the country. Her initial reaction was to just show up at the facility. Regardless of her status with Rick, she had always got along with Martha and thought her visits might be a pleasant diversion. Upon reflection that direct approach seemed inappropriate, and she wisely decided to text Rick about whether such visits were a good idea.

His reply was both enlightening and cautious. Apparently he was trying to work a deal with the studios to do his work from New York with just occasional visits out west. His current contract did not allow for that, and he was unsure if his employer would grant his request. This arrangement had been negotiated by his California lawyer when his mother's errant behavior was just amusing. Now, her condition was serious enough, that either he or Alexis were visiting every other weekend.

Her suggestion might help them through this logistical nightmare, but only if there history of miscommunication was resolved. That meant complete honesty with him, his mother, Alexis, her dad, and most importantly Martha's doctors. Given their rather rocky history, that was a tall order, and he suggested meeting up with her dad who could better explain the care plan and what the expectations would be if she joined Martha's support team.

She met with her dad later that week at the usual restaurant about halfway between their respective cabins. After the usual pleasantries, he laid out the rather rocky prognosis for Martha. Her doctors felt she was still in the early stages where she would have both good and bad days. On her good days, you would never guess that anything was wrong particularly if you talked about events in the past. On bad days, she had trouble keeping relationships clear and often repeated the same question over and over. When that happened, the key thing was to remain calm and not let your internal agitation show. She was now on a drug regimen to slow the progression, but the best therapy was engagement by family and friends that stimulated and refreshed what was left of her cognitive process.

With that said, he got down to brass tacks about the family's expectations if she were to be become part of the care team. First and foremost, they wanted complete honesty. There was no room for evasion or nuance. As a trained detective, she had keen powers of observation, and those honest insights gleaned from interactions could really help the doctors assess the disease progress.

After hearing their concerns, she replied, 'I certainly understand their trepidation about my involvement, but this is far-far removed from my obsession. I had a good relationship with Martha before and hope it can be continued. Regarding my honesty, I am quite willing to write detailed emails to you, Rick, Alexis, and the doctors after each visit offering up my unbiased observations. I was pretty good at that at the NYPD and can't see any reason why those skills can't be adapted to this situation.' Her dad was quite pleased with her can-do attitude and promised to get her on the approved visitor and HIPPA listing by early next week.

She had that Thursday off and planned to visit around 10:00AM. On her way to the facility, she was filling with trepidation about how Martha might receive her unannounced visit. She found Martha in her room all decked out in a typical colorful outfit sipping coffee. When their eyes locked Martha's smile grew wider, and Kate took that as a hopeful sign. Kate dispensed with pleasantries and charged right into her well-rehearsed tale of foolishness. Yes - the divorce from her son was dumb and all her fault. She had once again let her mother's murder overwhelm everything else in her life including her once-and-done. Martha listened intently, and said, 'Richard is still not over you and perhaps never will be. We, Rogers, seem to do that a lot - kind of like me and Jackson.'

After refilling her cup, Martha inquired about her current life, and Kate followed up with news about her cabin and new job far away from the city. As Kate was explaining things, Martha realized she didn't know all that much about Beckett's life prior to her partnership with her son. That led her to ask about her childhood, and Kate, for reasons unknown, just ran with it. By the time Kate noticed Martha looking pensively at the door, she had been pontificating for almost 90 minutes straight. She hadn't meant to go on that long, but Martha's insightful questions kept leading down new paths that inexplicably needed telling. When Kate followed Martha's eyes, she saw a small group of probable residents apparently waiting for Martha to lead them probably to lunch. Kate was a bit embarrassed by the audience overhearing so much and quickly rose to retrieve her coat and leave. Martha sensed her unease and made a point of asking her to return soon as their private bubble seemed to burst a few seconds earlier.

On the way out she was euphoric. Martha was definitely having an up day, and she felt at least partly responsible for that. In addition, she had for the first time in memory discussed her past without the pall of her mother's murder ruining everything. Her report that night would be very upbeat, and she was sure Rick would be pleased. Before starting her car to head home, she glanced at her phone to see that Kevin Ryan had left a message. She doubted that this day could get any better.


	14. Chapter 14

That night she went home and varied her usual routine by pouring a second glass of wine as she was composing the very upbeat email about Martha. When that was completed, she swept up her remaining courage and returned Kevin's call. He picked up on the third ring and had time to talk. He then explained that Castle had met with all 3 of them at the Old Haunt to relay her message, and after consultation with their joint lawyer, he drew the short straw to make first contact.

With his voice becoming more agitated, he said 'We thought we were your friends Beckett, and you totally blindsided us. Your secret investigation and the hiring of Vikram under false pretenses demonstrated a level of deviousness none of us expected from you. The IA review was brutal just like Gates promised, and we spent hours having our integrity and professionalism questioned in every case we closed under your watch.'

'Our lawyer practically lived at the station. It's all about billable hours to them. This crazy investigation you started has cost us each just under 10K. All of us don't have big divorce settlements to fall back on. We need our jobs, and for a while, those were hanging by a thread.'

Kate sensed that the initial tirade was ending and responded, 'I know this is my fault. When I heard that most of my old AG team was killed because of my innocent query regarding LOKSAT, something inside of me snapped into hunter mode, and nothing else mattered. You guys, Castle, and the department are all collateral damage I selfishly did not consider. There is no excuse except to say that I am sorry and I am now regularly seeing a therapist for help dealing with the stuff that triggered my unconscionable behavior.'

'Regarding the money you guys have spent, I would be gratified if you would let me reimburse all of you. I am sure you know about my settlement with Castle, and I have no problem with you having IA oversee the whole transfer. It is the least I could do for what was once my work family. I screwed up big time, and it is a small something I can put right.'

That gesture seemed to placate his initial anger as the conversation turned to life at the precinct. According to him, both he and Espo had to have new partners per an edict from Gates. Both are from outside the borough, and each is strictly by the book. The new captain is also a stickler for rules and has made it clear that the Montgomery-Beckett era is OVER. Lanie's punishment was to be stuck with Mr. Punctuation as they called him. He reviewed every report she wrote and repeatedly found fault with just her grammar or spelling. Perlmutter was enjoying it no end. The good news was that Gates had reached out to all of them for a meeting at 1PP that they hoped would lead to her calling off the dogs.

Once the update was complete, he shifted gears back to her offer. He would talk to the others, and someone would get back to her. While he was pleased by the gesture, he made it quite clear that she probably was not on anyone's Christmas card list just yet. With that dour assessment, he ended the call, and Beckett was left wondering if those friendships were beyond repair.

While that interaction was not a happy one, the next one was far worse. It all started when Alexis texted her that it was her weekend to see Martha. The plan was to take the red eye out of LA and be in New York by mid-morning. She would then take the Mercedes at the loft and drive up. She hoped to be there around noon and wanted a face-to-face before seeing Martha that afternoon. The tone of the whole text was dictatorial, and Beckett felt the best response was to comply without comment.

They met at the same restaurant she and her dad used. When Alexis sat opposite her in the booth, Beckett could tell that eating was not high on the agenda. The waitress sensed as much and purposely stayed away after bringing both just cups of coffee. Without any greeting or small talk, Alexis began, 'I very much disagree with my dad's decision about letting you help with Grams. You are a despicable person. My dad will never recover from what you did to him. He is convinced he will never be enough for anyone. What the fuck is wrong with you? You make Gina and my mother look like saints, and I thought that was impossible.'

'All my school plans had to be altered because of you. I found a place as far away as possible because I knew he would follow me. He was a wreck in New York. The writing stopped, calls from his writing buddies were not returned, and most telling of all, he started drinking way too much. That path was not going to happen on my watch, and California has been a breath of fresh air for both of us.'

Sensing that the rebuke was winding down, Kate started up her well- rehearsed apology mantra only to have Alexis coldly dismiss it and move on to Martha's status. Kate then reported that she had made 2 visits – one great – one not so much. At their first meeting it was like nothing was wrong, and Martha was conversing just like she remembered. The second started off badly with Martha asking where her grandchildren were and blaming Rick for hogging them. Kate delicately corrected her queries more than once before she went off on another tangent about returning to her acting studio as soon as Rick would let her out of this awful place. Kate responded with the standard history about her disease and how that plan might not be possible. This agitated Martha further, and Kate chose to steer the conversation to less controversial topics for the remainder of the visit.

Alexis listened intently and promised to have her report on email by late Sunday night. Just before leaving she informed Kate, 'By the way, dad has finally won over his employer and will be returning to New York in the next month or so. He can fill you in on the details, and I hope that is the last we ever hear of you.' With that she picked up her keys and scurried out the door without one kind word being uttered.

The rebuke from Alexis was the worst so far. Leave it to little Castle to land the most telling blow. Her therapist had forewarned her that these conversations could be brutal, and she now understood what he meant. On the ride home, she kept her tears at bay, but once inside, the droplets flowed down her cheek as she replayed all the instances of her past selfish behavior that had hurt so many.

A glass of wine and restless sleep did not brighten her mood the following morning. That led her to get a same day appointment with her therapist before heading out on her appointed rounds with the windowless box. Chatty customers kept her thankfully occupied for the rest of the day, and the evening appointment with Dr. Duffy left her far less gloomy.


	15. Chapter 15

During the next 2 weeks she fell into an easy routine of the bookmobile and visits with Martha. The up days were an added bonus that she couldn't plan on. After every visit she dutifully wrote a detailed email, and Rick responded almost immediately with profuse gratitude.

He also offered a belated apology for how Alexis had treated her. She guessed Alexis had let some of her rage about her slip in front of him. While he loved Alexis dearly, he explained that the goal here was to provide Martha with the best quality of life possible. Kate's visits helped, and she had no right to deny her grandmother any bits of happiness wherever they came from. The subsequent tense rebuke of Alexis was remarkable because for once he was the mature one. In the end Alexis had reluctantly agreed to put a cork in her disdain, and he expected no further outbursts in the future.

During a subsequent routine dinner with her dad, it was revealed that Rick was making final preparations for the permanent move back to New York. He was initially going to live at the loft, but immediately start a search for less spacious digs. With Martha gone, Alexis fully embracing the California lifestyle, and no agent expecting him to have the trappings of celebrity, he wanted something less extravagant. The care for Martha was both expensive and open ended, and his new job was not nearly as lucrative as that of a bestselling author. Kate was astonished to hear that Castle had financial concerns like everyone else. Money never really came up in their married life, and once again, she was impressed by how thoughtful a son he really was.

For Castle the move back to New York really meant just packing up his wardrobe. Alexis would live in the leased apartment indefinitely, and he could come and go as his employer required. He flew back on a Tuesday, and asked for a meeting with Kate that following Saturday. She suggested meeting at the place she and her dad always met at around noon, and he gladly accepted. She was anxious about getting together and got there almost 30 minutes early. Castle arrived right on time, and they both ordered coffee first and lunch second.

For the first 15 minutes or so the conversation revolved around Martha. It seemed the doctors felt she had plateaued with the current medication regimen, but cautioned that this could change at any time. He felt much of the credit for the reprieve belonged to her, and he hoped she would continue making regular visits. She readily agreed, and the easy flow of the subsequent conversation reduced much of her earlier anxiety.

That's when it all changed as he shifted gears and said, 'Actually the timing of this could not be better. Serena and I have had a good time together, but things were coming to head. Finally, she brought up the future. I was shocked when the worldly and accomplished Serena offered to give it all up, become a housewife, and pump out as many babies as I wanted if and only if she could become my one-and-done. Can you imagine Serena doing that?'

'Talk like that left me considering how being a one-and-done sort of person was really a double edged sword. While finding that person and spending your life together was the ideal, what if you were not their one-and-done? There is no guarantee that your one-and-done will have the same feelings. While your friends and family might urge you to keep looking, the real question is can a once-and-done person become a two-and-done without ruining the ideal that you previously cherished?'

'I told her I needed some time to consider what she said, but I could tell that my delay left her expecting the worst. She made a quick excuse about work and has refused my calls ever since.'

'Since she left, my therapist and I have been discussing this very thing in the context of our always. You see, the unfortunate truth is you are my one-and-done, but I was not yours. If I was, you would have never have walked out. You only chose me in the context of your mother's murder, and everything was fine until it once again reared its ugly head. I honestly believe you thought I was until the call came about your old AG team. When that happened, you reverted to your old self, and our always became just another relationship where you had one foot out the door.'

During that long explanation, Kate had tried to interject some sort of explanation, but the words wouldn't come. All her raw objections fell apart because she had left him. Who does that to their one-an-done? Finally she offered, 'I'm sorry – I'm so sorry'. I never planned this; I really thought you were my one-and-done.'

He responded by saying, 'You have nothing to be sorry about. For a while you truly saw me that way. In truth I am the lucky one because I did get to spend lots of together time with my one-and-done. Think of all those poor souls who never find them. I have lots of memories to fall back on, and that is a wonderful gift you gave me.' With that he grabbed his keys and exited the place before she could say anything else.

She stayed in the booth finishing her coffee and was about to leave when she noticed Castle had not paid the bill. Castle always paid the bill, and she wondered if this tiny change was his way of telling her that the romantic part of their relationship was over.

As she walked to her SUV, the sun came out exposing all the caked on debris from the previous winter, and she vowed to head straight to the car wash. On her way she called Dr. Duffy for an appointment where she hoped these painful, but perhaps true insights might help him coax her into the next chapter of her life.

AUTHOR'S NOTE

Depending on the comments a sequel is possible.


End file.
